A Superstitious, Cowardly ‘Bot

A troubling new menace threatens your children, your community, even American democracy itself. Silent except for the occasional voice warning or electronic bleep, this minuscule gray monster prowls our freeways, turnpikes, and thoroughfares at will, cloaking the deeds of miscreants and evildoers from the scrutiny of the authorities. Its name: the Early Warning Laser & Radar Detector.
Sneering at all that is good, the manufacturers try to present this lawless device as mere “auto equipment”. But beyond innocuous functions like warning of road hazards and railroad crossings lies the Early Warning Laser & Radar Detector’s true purpose: to abet the evasion of lawfully-enacted road regulations. Why else would it be equipped to identify multiple bands of radar and laser detection, including the sophisticated Ka-POP band? Why else would it be able to detect the very SPECTRE and VG-2 devices that peace officers use to pinpoint radar cheats? As further proof of its diabolical cunning, the Early Warning detector even alerts its user to the presence of these technologies in a calm, almost human voice – the better to disguise its sinister intentions.
Make no mistake: there’s a war raging for control of America’s streets today. On one side of the barricades stand the law-abiding forces of decency and propriety; on the other, a malign cabal of desperadoes, felons, derelicts, and malcontents with Early Warning Laser & Radar Detectors clipped to their automobile sun visors. It is a war that may yet be lost. Only the resolute vigilance of an outraged populace can save America. The time has come for each citizen to stand and declare where his loyalties lay: either with the legitimacy and correctness of civil order, or with the nihilism and bedlam of the speed freaks. Which side are you on?